Literally spitting. I had just lost my two front teeth so talking in general resulted in a projectile vocabulary.

At seven years old, talking to girls wasn’t easy (still isn’t). Although I’m pretty sure my rap has improved since then.

Game (noun): the ability to seduce the opposite sex through either verbal or physical means. Synonyms: smoothness, velvet talk, verbal silk, Will Smith.

As hard as I tried, I really didn’t have much skill in the first grade. Since then, I’d like to believe my Will Smith has evolved. The practice I’ve had over the years must have some sort of carryover into digital dating.

Then there’s Bumble. An app where the girl has to unleash her velvet talk to get the conversation started.

All this time I’ve spent improving my game, perfecting the first text, polishing the digital zingers...useless.

The vast majority of girls have no game. Zip.

It’s not their fault though. They don’t have the years of training, rejection, recovery, more rejection, and recovery that us guys do. We’ve been playing the game since before people were playing Snood on floppy disk.

Here are a few examples of how girls start conversations on Bumble:

The Minimalist

“Hi.”

This girl is playing the numbers game. That whole ‘one in a million’ thing really resonated with her. So she’s swiping right one million times to find Mr. Right.

Recommended response: “Bye.”

The Picture Creep

“You were at that boat concert too!?”

Hopefully she didn’t see me puke over the starboard balcony on an endangered whale. If she did, fingers crossed she’s not a marine biologist. I actually don’t mind when a girl comments on one of my pictures. It’s a solid method of getting things started. There are worse ways to go about it. Like vomiting in a beluga’s blowhole as it’s spewing.

Recommended response: “Yes. I love The Humpbacks.”

The I-Read-Your-Bio-But-Still-Have-Questions Girl

“So are you really 6-foot-6”?

Seems crazy to think I’d lie in a Bumble bio, but this girl has been through the wringer and using Pixar marathons as a coping mechanism. Her ex lied to her about all those times he claimed to be studying for the MCAT. In reality, he was cheating on her with her best friend, Melissa, who loves homewrecking more than she loves Home & Garden Television.

Recommended response: “Have you ever seen Disney’s Pinocchio, M.D.?”

The Connector

“How do you know Melissa”?

Shit.

Recommended response: Delete Bumble and leave the country.

The Spammer

“FREE SEX. LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME? GOOD. WE HAVE FREE SEX. YOU FOUND YOUR GOOD TIME. SEX. SEX. SEX.”

Does anyone else get these? Even though they’re annoying, I should know what I’m getting into when I swipe right on someone that could have easily been in a Ted Cruz ad pretending NOT to be a softcore porn actress.

Recommended response: “I’m a Democrat.”

The Letter Abuser

“Heyyyyyy”

Just because the letter ‘y’ is only sometimes considered a vowel doesn’t mean you should take pity and overuse it as if it were a Poland Spring bottle. This girl simply doesn’t know what to say. She wants to spice it up and be unique, deciding the more ‘y’s she uses, the more distinguished she’ll appear.

Recommended response: “Hhhhoooowwwww wwwwaaassss yyyyoooouuuurrrr ddddaaaayyyy”?

The Emoticon Princess

“So you think I’m pretty :)”?

Let’s just hope her skin isn’t as yellow as the pink shirt girl emoji. Otherwise, my kids could end up looking like Lisa and Bart Simpson. I’m a big fan of emojis and I actually found this line pretty funny. I might have taken it too far with the response though:

Do you like the new Smiley Cyrus song?

The Screamer

“Hey there!!!”

No need to yell. These messages always seem to come early in the morning. They’re also likely to arrive when I’m hungover. This one’s eager to meet. She’s heard countless digital dating success stories from her friends. She’s really, really hoping I could be her special someone for next year’s national day of hearts and love.

Recommended response: “Do you get loud in other places”?

The Human Calendar

“TGIF!” “Welcome to the weekend!” “Happy Humpday!” “Happy Tuesdate?”

I have a watch, iPhone, laptop, and brain. All of them tell me what day of the week it is. Sure, it’s nice to hear it from a more personal source. But a message like this instantly identifies the girl as #basic. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Everyone is basically basic. I’m picturing her lighting a candle, wafting her apartment’s Potpourri until she’s high enough to open Bumble and tell me it’s Monday and she’s about to watch the Bachelor.

Recommended response: “Will you accept this rose on Valentine’s Day in 2017”?

--

No wonder they call it Bumble.