Essentially, it’s Boston’s version of the Kentucky Derby. Instead of oversized bourgeoisie straw hats and wedding-worthy dresses, people are outfitted in wool stitched Patriots hats and goose down vests. And instead of horses, they have rowing boats.

The regatta race is on the Charles River. It’s one of the most prestigious places to dump dead bodies. Well, that’s according to Whitey Bulger. To most of us, it’s known as “The Charles.” Woven along the perimeter of the river are running paths, brick-fastened bridges, and tree-lined escapes. Many of the trees have begun to shed their leaves so the setting feels extra New England.

With foliage designed for a Good Will Hunting sequel, the Charles was perfect Instagram material. After taking a few mental pictures, it was time to filter dat sheesh. Nothing says “nature” like Mayfair. I feel like Instagram misnamed the Mayfair filter. It should really be called Mayflower. Seems like that level of color saturation, brightness, and light manipulation would be Christopher Columbus’s first choice. Too bad Chris never had a smartphone. Or a working compass.

Now that I had a worthy Insta picture, it was time to do my favorite thing: write the caption. I use all social media outlets to practice my copywriting craft. Why not? Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat are all perfect forms of self-given writing exercises. And since I don’t know how to design in Adobe Creative Suite, I have to take what I can get.

How to dream up social-worthy copy?

Well first, I googled “Row, row, row your boat.” The picture was of a boat on the river next to the Boston University Bridge. But “Row, row, row your boat” was too easy. What other lyrics were in that masterfully artistic, finely constructed musical ensemble? Turns out, not many. There are only four lines total in this sorry excuse for a jingle. But they’re all catchy. That means even if I use a line that’s slightly less familiar, people will put it together. They’ll know where it came from. They have to work just a little bit to figure out it, but that makes it even better. That’s what I think of as “closing the gap.” Building the gap is essential for good work. That way, the reader has to connect some of the dots on their own. A feeling of accomplishment = more likes on Instagram. That “Oh I get it!” is what I’m looking to achieve.

Do NOT forget the hashtag. This is where you can let your inner child go wild. Have fun with it. But also make sure it’s on topic. For example, a picture of you with mom and dad might not warrant #orphan.

Okay, It’s posted. Now I exhale.

Below eleven likes is trash. Over 50 is gold and should be plastered on my wall next to all the Cuban artwork. Yes, I’m Cuban. But I like Americans. Mostly because I’m a half Cuban. Kinda like Hermione was a half witch. But I have a way cooler wand.

I’m at 15 likes and I’m feeling good. Double digits means greatness. Triple digits means all-star. Quadruple digits and you’re too cool to be reading this post. If you’re at 10,000 or more likes, you probably wear your Kentucky Derby straw hat and wedding dress everywhere you go. And I can’t shame you for that. After all, you have 9,985 more likes than me. #InstaEnvy.