you shouldn’t go Tinder swiping when you’re horny.

As mentioned in my last post, Tinder is addictive. But there are some instances where I’ve found I really need to avoid being on any dating app.

When I find myself soul-searching...looking in the fridge for peanut butter...I don’t make impulse decisions. I also use a small spoon once I find the peanut butter. Trying not to get fat. But why do I even head over to the fridge in the first place? Hunger? No. Boredom? Probably. So I say, “Fine. Indulge. Treat yo self.” After a scoop or two, nothing seems like a better idea than a little Tinder sesh. I fire up my iPhone and head to Love Land. Not a smart iMove. I should’ve just spooned my peanut butter and called it a night.

What will happen if you decide not to heed my warning? Easy:

1. Death by right swipe.

Occasionally, I’ve matched with girls that look a lot sexier before we ever matched. In the time between me swiping right, and her swiping right, they lost it. They’re no longer the supermodel I once thought they were. Pity. I make decisions in the heat of the moment. And when we match, the temperature of our unfound relationship may just severely drop.

2. Life by right swipe.

I’ve found that playing the numbers game is extra true when it comes to app dating. Tinder, despite its pure and tender elegance, is no exception. The more you swipe, the more you succeed. Kind of like a bear in a stream of salmon. Except you won’t get any protein from a Tinder adventure. When I hop on Tinder after a peanut butter hunt, I tend to swipe right. A lot. Blame the boredom, but more right swipes will yield more connections. It’s a simple equation: Right Swipes * Tinder Visits = Finding the One. Yes, I am a mathematician. Many of my right swipes will be complete, deathly failures (as mentioned in #1). But maybe I’ll find my wife that way. Nothing better than getting engaged with peanut butter lodged on the roof of your mouth all in one night.

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I try to avoid going on Tinder too often since I get sucked in easily. I really avoid Tinder when I’m horny. It’s just not a good idea. Chances are you probably won’t match anyone even if you go on a right swiping bingefest. Even if you do have a few matches, they’re not likely to immediately engage in interesting conversation. The point is that when you’re horny, I recommend not turning to Tinder. I haven’t - and you won’t - get instant gratification.

So next time you find yourself shopping while hungry at your local grocery store, remember, don’t go on Tinder. Even if you need to swipe right at the deli counter to pick a number, resist the Tinder temptation. Unless your crush works at the cash register. Swipe right on her. Or just swipe right on everyone.