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It was an underlying current in my marriage, one that I mentioned briefly early on, but one that became a major factor in the accelerated timeline of Brendan and Jean’s relationship. It was another reason I was so concerned about the reality of the lovebirds moving in together.
I’ll never forget the time when Brendan showed up at the house in his new BMW. He never discussed it with me (um, his wife, hello?!), and told me that he decided to buy it because he deserved it. Well needless to say, deserve and makes-sense-for-our-family-at-the-moment don’t always go hand in hand, and he returned it the next day.
The year we were divorced, Brendan actually had one really fabulous earning year. After 6 years of non-earning and multiple jobs. It was great timing for him, because he had his new relationship with Jean and he had the money to show her off. Saving for a rainy day wasn’t in his repertoire.
So the day the judge granted us the divorce, it seemed only fitting for Brendan to show up in his new Porsche. No more nagging wife keeping him from what he deserved! The Porsche was in complement to the Mercedes he already drove, the timeshare he purchased, the interior decorator he hired to design his condo, the boat he bought for summer use, the Rolex, etc. You get the idea. He spent every penny he earned.
And while his spending was no longer my concern, it sure painted an interesting picture in the timing with Jean. There she was, a woman struggling a bit with her identity, wanting “more” out of life. And here came Brendan, pursuing her, showering her with the things that she thought would define her as a human, wining and dining her, and showing her what the “good life” really could look like. I am sure it seemed to Jean like she struck gold. Here was this successful guy who dressed well, drove expensive cars, and wow, he wanted her!
I am not suggesting Brendan didn’t love her or was using her in any way. I genuinely don’t think that was the case. But Jean didn’t have the benefit of knowing Brendan’s wanderlust. She didn’t know all the jobs he went through, the years he spent not contributing to the family and the money he blew through trying to define himself. She didn’t know any of this.
And then the market crashed. Brendan lost his job, and all Jean could do was support him, assuming he would get back on his feet. Because all she knew was his success and what he told her of it. That year of excessive spending didn’t leave Brendan any cushion. Jobs were not plentiful, and he didn’t bounce back quickly. It was awful to watch. Over the next six months he had to get rid of the Porsche, the Mercedes and ultimately had to sell the condo.
Ahem. That now brings us full circle to the move in together scenario.
Brendan and Jean bought a new home not far from where I lived. Well, actually Jean bought the house. Brendan just used the word “we” very generously when he talked about “their” purchase. Brendan couldn’t financially participate because he had lost virtually everything. It was a massive house. A house Jean really couldn’t afford on her own; but again, she assumed that Brendan would be back making the kind of money he was when they met.
So that’s the additional backstory to our face-to-face and my deep concern for their relationship. I had the benefit of knowing what I knew about Brendan - his job wanderlust and his misspending, coupled with a relatively new relationship between two people both struggling with their identity.
Two people looking me in the eye and telling me that this relationship was real and that this would work.
Ahem.
