She and her husband have hit a rough patch. They have a four-year-old girl who is demanding of them, and they are struggling to relate to each other as a couple, a team and as parents. So we talked at length about the realities of marriage (it’s work) and parenting (also work) and how it is so important to find a balance as a team. I encouraged her to push through the rough patch because of the love they have for each other. They may not like each other very much right now, but they do love each other. This rough patch is just one part of their story. But then my friend tossed out a casual comment, “Well, I mean if this keeps up, I could easily do the single mom thing.” Oh?

I wish that wouldn’t be thrown around so lightly. It’s not your scapegoat. Being a single Mom turns your world upside down. I know she said it because she feels like she carries the weight of the parenting, and sometimes feels like her husband is lazy. Fine. In an ideal world he would be more helpful and she would be less controlling. But she gets herself to the gym three nights a week and if she needs to “pop out to CVS”, she can just go. She has an immediate emergency back up, and while it may feel off-kilter to her right now, at the end of the day, she has a partner in all of it. It may not be 50/50, but she has someone she can turn to. Someone who has her back. And at the core of it all, she has someone who loves her.

If I want to go to the gym at night or pop to CVS without my kids, I would need to hire a babysitter. Not that I go to the gym. Because truthfully it’s very low on my list filled with homework and sports and general parenting. I have to create my emergency back-ups, and, at the end of the day, I have only myself to turn to. I am not saying this because I am at all upset about my situation; but when people casually refer to being a single parent like it’s an easy trip to vacationland, it makes me crazy.

Sometimes even my mother will casually make the comment to me, “Well, I was really a single Mom, Jen, you know.” Um, no. No you weren’t. She is so blasé in making that statement, and it literally makes smoke come out of my ears. She was a married, non-working, full-time mother. Granted her husband pulled long hours providing her with a very comfortable lifestyle; but under no circumstance in ANY way was she a single mom. She cared for the kids and she cared for the house, but she did not have a job, did not handle the yard work, the cars, the insurance, the bills, the money etc etc etc. It’s not a judgement in any way. But I mean seriously? Sorry, but no.

No one stops to think in making those casual comments about the reality. Doing it alone is doing it ALONE. And you can’t imagine how life-changing it can be. There is married Mom. There is single Mom. And never the twain shall meet.