Singles Say

Shooting from the Hip Flask

Time Sucks

  By | Tuesday, 03 May 2016

People say that as you get older, time passes more quickly...

I know exactly what they’re talking about. Sometimes I just look up and the week is already over. Some weeks, I actually lose track of time.

Time scares me.

It scares me for my kids. Friends with older kids always tell me, “Enjoy it while you can because they’ll be off to college in a minute." It’s hard to believe it when you’re in the throws of a two-year-old tantrum, but with both my kids, now ten and twelve, I already see it to be true. They were just babies yesterday. More immediately, it feels like my kids just started school last week, and now it’s practically summer. Seeing them grow is such a joyous thing, but it’s also bittersweet. I feel like I am always in a struggle with time; I waffle between not wanting them to grow up, and also wanting them to grow into responsible, independent adults.

Time scares me.

It scares me for me. I can’t even believe that eight years have passed since I got divorced. Eight years without someone significant in my life. I don’t want time to pass me by, to live another 8 years and find myself in the same scenario. But again, I blink, and 8 years pass. And it’s not that I am living a life unfulfilled. My life is rich with laughter and friends and love. But again, there is loneliness. It’s not there every day, but it sits in the back of my mind. It’s there with each passing day and each whirlwind of a year, and I wonder if I’ll blink and another decade will have passed and I’ll still be alone.

Time scares me.

And then there’s the bigger picture where I wonder if I’ll run out of time. One of my biggest fears is running out of time before my children are ready to leave me. I want them ready. And while I don’t want them to grow up, part of me wants them to grow up so I know they’ll be okay if time decides to stop for me. What would happen to them if time stops for me before they are able to care for themselves? Now THAT keeps me up at night.

Time scares me.

It scares me because I love it and I hate it. While I am relishing in the beauty of each passing moment, I am hugely cognizant of the reality that time is passing, and sometimes it’s not even enough to make the most of every moment.

Tick tock. Know what I mean?

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