I’m guessing you and I are in the same boat...instead of yacht. I did, however, have elaborate plans for what I would have done with the winnings. I thought it was best to be practical by not spending it all in one place (or at one time).

1. Time travel

With great riches comes great responsibility...and the ability to travel backward - or forward - in time. After seeing Back to the Future, time travel is something I’ve always wanted to do. I think with a leaky green wallet, I could make that happen. First stop would probably be In-N-Out Burger in the year 3000. Can you imagine ordering an “animal burger” next to aliens?

Cost of time travel: $300 million

2. Communicate with animals

I constantly wonder what my dog is saying to me. Her various tones and pitches of “woof” aren’t exactly descriptive. That’s why, as a new member of The Billionaires Club, I would hire someone to help me achieve fluency in all animal dialects. I would also consider some sort of shot or pill that immediately gives me the power to converse with all the world’s critters.

They probably think about sex more than humans.

Cost of animal communication pill: $100 million

3. Money blowing machine

This is the most practical purchase. It’s essentially a telephone booth enclosure where money flies around violently. If you’ve ever seen a game show, there’s a good chance you know what I’m talking about.

I consider this a sensible acquisition because when it’s not being used to blow around dollar-dollar-bills y’all, I’ll use it to make popcorn. Popcorn is a heart-healthy, whole grain snack that can entertain my celebrity guests whenever I have them over to watch movies in my home theatre where the seating is upholstered in endangered alpaca tail fur.

Cost of money blowing machine: $1 million

So that takes care of $401 million. I don’t exactly have concrete plans for the other $999 million. I was considering buying a helicopter, flying it over New York City, and dumping cash over the island until everyone can afford two trips to Whole Foods.

Clearly, I’m not very good with money. Funny since I currently work in finance.

After compiling this very thorough list, I realized that winning the lottery wouldn’t make me happy. Even though In-N-Out perfection 1,000 years from now does sound amazing, there’s only one thing that can help me achieve true happiness.

Cost of true love: $999 million

I spent most of it in one place.