Women seem to be the overwhelming majority of people that share the same adoration for the healthy fast casual food spot. And 100% of those women own a closet full of yoga pants.

So I have a lot of friends that are girls. Partially because all my guy friends are getting married. That means we end up at Sweetgreen. After we’re finished, the restaurant has no more sweet potatoes or kale or apples or sanity. You’re welcome.

The conversation at each location is what really interests me. The people in line are worth a serious eavesdrop.

I’ve always been told, “learn to listen so you can listen to learn.” So the last time I went to Sweetgreen, I focused on just that. Listening. The results were remarkable...and hilarious.

Things People Say at Sweetgreen

“Is that really the line? Ugh.”

Sweetgreen restaurants are busier than bubbles on a tsunami. The only thing better than complaining about waiting in a twenty person line is constantly complaining about it. By the end of our rant about how long the line is, we’ll likely be next up to order.

“Can I just…”

My friends are greedy. So they’re the best type of people to be with at Sweetgreen. They tell the Sweetgreen worker what they’d like in their salad. Then, when the assembler least expects it, they ask for an item way back at the beginning of the assembly line. It never gets added to the bill, but it does get added to their stomach.

“Get a ‘for here bowl,’ you rookie.”

“For here bowls” are a commitment. Not only because that means you’ll be eating at the actual restaurant, but because they hold much more food. I learned this just the other day. If you don’t ask for one of these colossal crocks of kale then you’ll end up with the flimsy recyclable bowl. These regular bowls can only carry about a half bucket of greens compared to the “for here bowls” prideful full bucket capacity.

“Are you leaving? Are you leaving? Are you leaving?”

When I last went to Sweetgreen, I finally realized that there was no way everyone in line would be able to find a table. Cue musical chairs, right? No. Cue Hunger Games-esque free for all for a four legged, wooden friend. We grabbed a table, thankfully. But I mean grabbed. It’s a battlefield out there and only the kale-starved, “for here bowl” carrying warriors stand a chance.

“This better be good.”

I’m a competitive guy. I’ve played sports all my life, including Division I athletics. But I’ve never experienced competition like this before. We all know the question:

“How’s your food”?

If it’s not everything you thought it could be while you were ordering, well, woof. Just woof. One of my friends wasn’t exactly pleased with her bowl. Thirty minutes of waiting in line resulted in a lemony, cringe-face worthy meal. There are many other things that take just 30 minutes and can summon a much happier face.

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On a different note, it looked like the women at Sweetgreen come straight from a photoshoot. Sure, some are coming from the Soulcycle and Flywheels of the world. Don’t even get me started on the sticky ecosystem that exists between spin classes and salad binging. I don’t think these women even sweat. At least they cover it up nicely at Sweetgreen. Basically, the women there are beautiful. I might have to stop going with friends that are girls. That way, my next Sweetgreen visit can be multipurpose.

Purpose 1: Kale.

Purpose 2: Wife.

Either way, I’ll ask for it in a “for here bowl.”