That’s why I’m closing my right eye while I write this. If I keep my left eye open, it means only my right brain is activated. Duh. It’s science.

I can feel like I’m flipping a switch to let the creativity pour out. And when it pours out, it’s a bit more like a waterfall than a faucet. A bit more like a tsunami than a swell. A bit more like WHOA.

To keep the WHOA coming, I jot down unusually true things about life. For example, I was standing outside with my suitcase while waiting for my uber to come. Clearly, I was headed somewhere (bus station). Every yellow cab that drove by honked at me. Now I know what it feels like to be cat-called.

Weird truth: Taxis get turned on by suitcases.

Or how about a different example? It’s hard to keep up with the latest fashion trend. First, it was baggy jeans, then it was skinny jeans, now it’s baggy/skinny sweatpants. Whoever started that trend must have been as confused as I am. When I go shopping for new clothes, two things happen: (1) I don’t find anything that fits because i’m 6-foot-6 and (2) I try to start the newest trend. At one point, I found myself in the dressing room trying on a sweatshirt t-shirt. Told you, I’m confused. The mirror was even shaking its head.

Weird truth: Starting a fashion trend requires massive inner confusion.

I keep all these weird notes in my phone in the “Notes App.” Possibly the simplest app, it’s da best. Although I kinda wish I could put an extra layer of password protection on it. If anyone were to stumble in there by accident, they might open their eyes so wide that blinking again would be classified a workout.

Let’s not even talk about what they’d find if they went into my photos.

It’s as if phones have become the ultimate scrapbook for our everyday lives. That’s partially the reason why people love Snapchat so much. A photo of you pooping that disappears in 10 seconds or less is much better than one that goes into your Photo Stream for everyone on your account to see. Sorry, mom. I had a big lunch.

We’re literally always on our phones (even when we’re not in the bathroom). It’s the first thing I pick up in the morning and the last thing I put down at night. When I upgrade phones, it feels like I’m adopting a new child...except shinier. A new technology bae to cuddle when I hop from social network to social network. I could be blindfolded and still get on Facebook. I’ve memorized the process. Password, swipe right, upper left corner click on folder, upper left corner again, write status. Pathetic.

We’re all certainly going to develop neck, back, and eye problems thanks to these shiny technology bae children. I better open up both my eyes now. Maybe that way I can prolong the blindness.