I went though my young adult life thinking that I knew what my future looked like. I had it all figured out and when life took turns, I adjusted accordingly. Sometimes I got mad, sometimes I was glad and sometimes I just resigned myself to the change and worked like crazy to get balance back. I never thought that despite all the twists and turns of life, I would end up single.
I was a “fixer.” I had what it took to make things work. I wanted more than anything for things to work and for our challenges to make us stronger and wiser. I had a good attitude and most of the time a grateful heart. I had a commitment to my marriage and to my family that I would not take for granted. I worked to keep it all together.
And then I couldn’t. I ran out of steam, willpower, energy and maybe even love. I ran out of the ability to convince myself that what I was working so hard to preserve was worth preserving. Wow. That’s a rough statement. Hard to write and even harder to admit. But it’s the truth. It’s what happened and now I am single.
I am incredibly focused on making this single life more truthful, more authentic, more loving, more real and more mine. While I wanted nothing more in the world than to have my married life comprise all those things, I had to surrender to the fact that it did not. I had to love myself more than I loved pretending that I had the family life and marriage that mirrored who I was in mind, body and soul. I was hanging on to what I wished it was until I woke up and allowed myself to see the reality, admit the truth and do the bravest thing I’ve ever had to do.