And he made the decision to move out of state, away from the kids. Oddly, it was a relief to be staring up from the bottom. Brendan had brought so much uncertainty and so much drama into the lives of the kids that being on the sea floor actually felt relatively calm. It sucked, don’t get me wrong; but it was good to be able to anticipate what was coming next. This decision of Brendan’s would mean more change in our lives, change ultimately leading everyone to a more stable place.

Telling the kids was going to be the biggest hurdle. In true Brendan form, he left me with that task. It was better that way anyway. I could weather the kids’ disappointment. With Brendan, I think if he had to see their reaction, he would erupt in defensive anger. That wouldn’t benefit anyone; this was already hard enough.

I sat the kids down and told them the news. I said them that their father loved them terribly, but that he needed to go back home. His relationship with Jean had ended and he didn’t have a job, so moving back in with his parents and back to their support was really his best option. I told them that he hated to leave them and that he would make every effort to come back and see them. I told them that this was all going to work out.

I honestly didn’t know how much of that was really true. I didn’t offer up any details on what that would look like. Truthfully, Brendan didn’t offer one inking of regret in leaving them. He didn’t have any game plan for how we were going to navigate this new situation. But the kids were so young. They kept getting dealt really shitty cards, and I felt like the best thing I could do for everyone was soften the blow a bit. If I could shield the kids and help them to preserve a relationship with their father, I felt like we could handle the rest one step at a time.

The kids were upset and disappointed. G expressed his anger at his father for the decisions he had been making, and his anger in his decision to move so far away. I listened and hugged and sympathized. We knew it was going to change our family dynamic.

And for me? Well, I felt a welcome peace at the bottom. There was a soft, sandy foundation at my feet and I felt like I could finally BREATHE.